My Sorta First Date (aka Prom)

I was a bit of a late bloomer, and by the time Prom came around, in grade 12, I hadn’t yet had my first date.  Believe it or not, despite the fact that my very best friend at the time was a guy, it never occurred to me to even think about dating!  So, needless to say, I certainly didn’t have a boyfriend to take me…

So, being the forward girl that I am, I took matters into my own hands, and actually asked my BFF to go with me.  And, he turned me down.  It took me a few days to realize it, but while I had intended to go with him, with my BFF, he wanted to actually go on a date with a girl. (To be fair, he’d never dated either, so it never occurred to me that he wanted it)

Anyways, once I figured that out, I asked two more guy friends (1 who said no, because he had a girlfriend), and eventually got a yes from one.

Well, FirstCrush has made appearances on here before, but I’ll tell you how things with him started.

I asked him to our Prom, and actually ended up starting to get a crush on him by the time Prom started coming around… and I was really looking forward to it.

My mother actually ended up making my Prom dress (and while it wasn’t quite the dress I had wanted, even now I really liked the shape), and just three days before the Big Day, FirstCrush calls, and tells me that he won’t be around for Prom, that he’s going to AirForce camp in Quebec instead.  That’s right, he actually cancelled our first date, and I ended up going alone – as did my BFF, funnily enough.

So, we ended up snail-mailing back and forth while he was away, and when he got back, we actually went on a date. (to be continued later!)

Part 2: Mixed signals and no music.

Part two: I go to the movie with all my girlfriends, we have dinner too. Very fun. After the movie leaving-guy texted me to tell me that my hard drive wouldn’t work, again. Somehow I am home from girl’s night by 9:30 pm, which is way too early to go to bed… So I walk down the street to see him…

I get to his place and buzz up. He buzzes me in, I knock on his door. He opens it up and says “oh, hey” and let’s me in. It’s completely comfortable and not weird at all that I am dropping by unannounced. I try to fiddle with his computer to make it recognize my drive, but it won’t work. I muddle around with all his settings, but I am not used to Windows Vista (I’m a mac girl), and I can’t get it going. ”Your computer is F-ed”, I tell him, and I suggest that he take it to a warranty shop. While I am on his computer, I see he has a folder… Named after me. Yep, a folder with my name on it. Actually, it’s a nickname that he has for me, so there’s no pretending it’s a folder about someone else. I pretend I don’t see it, because to me computers are personal, and I don’t like to embarrass people. But I *really* wonder what’s in it… I mean, I’m dieing to know…

We hung out about an hour, he made me a few more discs of music (that didn’t work when I got home), then I left. He told me to come over tomorrow, he’s giving me a futon (for my basement, for when people stay over). He also hinted that Thursday and Friday maybe he’d see me too. Wow, he’s not very busy for someone that’s moving away in only a few days.

Then, I floated home.

More mixed signals, and no music.

I went away for the weekend, so did leaving-guy (different provinces). We texted each other a bunch of times. I am currently eating the last cupcake… This is background information for the following entry…

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Leaving-guy has an extensive music collection, and my hard drive died a few weeks ago (taking much of my music with it). I asked if he could burn me a DVD of music files, and he said yes. Previously he burned me a disc and it did not work, and since he moves away on Saturday, my time is running out.

I made him a going away present, chocolate cupcakes, my secret recipe. I pretended that I was making them for my girl’s night out last night, which I did use 1/2 of them for, but really I made them as a going away present. I made an excuse to go see him, to give him an external hard drive to copy his music onto, so that I could give him the cupcakes. I was thinking since it’s his last week, I wasn’t sure when I’d get to see him. I called him on the way home from work and said I’d be over in 30 minutes with the hard drive (and surprise cupcakes).

When I got home, one of my girlfriends had already come over for the girl’s night. I didn’t want to be a jerk and not talk to her, so after 20 minutes of catching up I invited her to walk over with me.

When we arrived I announced that I had a friend with me. I introduced them, and told him that I couldn’t stay, I had to run. He said he’d be in all night, packing, and tomorrow night too, and perhaps I could come by tomorrow? To pick up my drive, of course. I said yes. I gave him a hug and we left.

My friend said that we were ridiculous. She said there was so much chemistry in the air she thought he would kiss me in front of her. She said she tried to walk out the door before me, so I could kiss him good bye. I tried to explain that we were not dating, he broke up with me, he wants to be “just friends”. She was surprised and said obviously he still liked me.

So, I am not the only one who is confused.

Read on for part two.

Long weekend away

I am not from Ottawa, the city I live in now; I have friends and family scattered across Southern Ontario, the area that I am from. I lived in a few places, Brantford, Kitchener, etc, and moved up to Ottawa when I was 8 or 10 years old. I went this weekend to visit my two best friends, guy-best-friend and chick-best-friend. Let’s call them Guy-BF and Chick-BF.

Guy-BF is moving to Montreal, sometime this winter (March or April). Montreal, the same place that leaving-guy is going. Guy-BF told me his other best friend is also moving there (January), and so is his long distance girlfriend (but not until August, 10 months from now). He gave me a talk about how living far apart from me was hard. That he missed me. That we were ”blood”. Yes, of course we had been drinking, but either way the sentiment was still quite clear: we should live in the same city. I really don’t like us being apart for months at a time either, and although Montreal is much closer than where he lives now (8 hours-ish), we would still be living in different cities after he moves to Montreal.

I have some thinking to do. I am going back to school for a few months, I start quite soon. I am supposed to be in school for approximately 6 months, but I am not sure if it will take longer (it is not a traditional course of 4 or 8 months, I have to continue studying until I make a certain level). Once that is done, then I am free to possibly switch jobs or move, but not before.

When I was young, Guy-BF and I had a plan to move to Montreal together. Then it took him 6 or 7 years to finish his degree (he just *had* to get two of them, and then two masters, what a smarty-pants), so the plan fell apart. I have always romaticied this city, since I have dated more than one Montreal-ian. I love the subway system, the old architecture, the incredible music scene, the French influence, and, of course, all the sexy Francophones! I have considered moving there before, but then I found a long term partner and knew that would not happen while we were together. We split almost two years ago, and now, technically, I am free to go whatever I want. Technically.

Chick-BF seemed pretty uncomfortable when I brought up the idea of moving to Montreal. I would be even farther away from her (7 hours, currently). She has two children, and custody of only one of them, so she will never, ever, leave the small town where she lives. I, on the other hand, could never live in that small city. Not only does my father live there (who loves me to pieces, but also smothers me, from 600 km away!), but there is also no music scene and not the same number of jobs, etc, that a major metropolis has, which I am accustomed to. Plus, everyone I have met there was… Well… Not the type of person I’d want to spend time with on purpose. Moving to a small town is not an option for me, I would explode. Literally.

I’m not even sure I could get a job in Montreal. I am an anglophone, but will be bilingual soon (I am to study French when I go back to school). I know my French will not be the same as someone for whom French is their first language, so perhaps it will be difficult to find a job? What if I move and dislike it? What if I am convincing myself that I *want* to move, but really I’m just doing it because other people want me to? What if I don’t move, because of all the people who do not want me to leave? What if, big if, I move and figure out that I really moved for leaving-guy, and not myself (which would be the WRONG reason to move!)? What if?

I have some thinking to do. Luckily I have 6+ months to do it.

My Path to Get Here

It’s often said that the mistakes of yesterday lead to the accomplishments of today, and I’m sure this is especially true in regards to relationships.

After a dinner with TheDatingDarling and her roommate last week, I’ve been thinking a lot about my dating/sexual experiences, and how they’ve led me to this point with my Programmer. (alright, it might also be the fact that I’ve just realized that I might never sleep with anyone else ever again… it’s a bit of a shock!)

I’m thinking that perhaps sharing some of those stories might help you understand me, and through it, why I’m still so surprised with the awesomeness that is my relationship with the Programmer.

It’s not all bad, believe me, though it certainly didn’t start off well.

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I guess the best place to start is the beginning…  (if you’re squeamish, you might want to brace yourself)

I was molested by my third grade math teacher.

I think.

I don’t remember my part in it, as my little-girl self locked the memories away to protect herself… But enough stories came out from the other little girls in my class to have him put in jail for quite a few years.

Honestly, I think this is one of the most defining moments of my life – and I don’t remember more than a (bad) single moment of it… in that it’s affected how I’ve interacted with men/guys for the rest of my life.  THIS is the reason it’s taken me so long to settle down.

Not the most auspicious of beginnings, I’ll admit – but it gets better from here.  And I promise, the trauma of this post will most definitely be cancelled out by English Guy, who’ll make an appearance not too many posts in the future.

And how about you, what was your first sexual/relationship experience?

Facebook helps me understand

I realize the title of this entry might be a bit disconcerting… But, depending upon what someone has on their facebook page, you can learn a lot about someone. I figured out why leaving-guy waited so long to “add me as a friend”; he has changed, a lot. He seems much more confident now, he’s also better looking. There were also many photos of him with a woman, and the dates on them span a long period of time. I wonder if he might still have a broken heart.

Strangely, going through his photos on facebook, made me see something about him I had not noticed before: he’s just a guy. I’ve dated tons of guys (50? 75?), and he was one of them. I’m not generally the one who is rejected, and I am still really not good at accepting and understanding that sort of thing. I was going through a rough time to begin with, “everyone I know is moving away and I have no one left”. I was having a pity-party, and him announcing that he was also moving away was icing on my “feeling sorry for myself” cake.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I think I might be over this. Better yet, I think that him and I can be friends. Now that I have rekindled my friendship with Solar Galaxy 6, made one new friend in town, and another that will be out of town, maybe I am realizing that things aren’t so bad? The pity-party is over, and I am getting back to normal.

Good news and Bad news…

The good news and the bad news are related.  And the bad news made me see just how “good” the good news really was.

I will start with the good news.  I saw “staying-guy”; we went out and had a ton of fun.  Before I saw him that night, I saw Solar Galaxy 6 for dinner.   She explained to me that I need to have “The Talk” with him, to tell him that I just wanted to be friends.  I said I had already had that talk with him and she said leading someone on is a shitty thing to do (and she’s right).  She said doing “date-like” things, even if you’ve told them you just want to be friends, is very much so leading them on, if you do not make things *perfectly* clear.   Your actions and words must match.  Fair enough.

I really didn’t want to have this talk with staying-guy because 1) I was worried he wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore 2) that I would come out looking like a giant jerk and 3) that it would be really uncomfortable and awkward.  It turns out none of these things were true!  He said “Yeahhhhh, I know you just want to be ‘just friends’, so do I.”  And it was not weird at all: things were/are totally cool.  So, the reason I didn’t get any “flirting vibes” from him, was that he wasn’t flirting.  He really wanted to be my friend all along!  I’m very pleased, really.  He’s a completely awesome person, and I’m happy he will be staying in my life.  Then he told me not to blog about him anymore, and I agreed.  No more on “staying-guy”, from now on.

Bad news:  I’m even more confused now about leaving-guy.  I wake up Tuesday morning and I have a text saying “Check your mailbox”.  I run downstairs, open my front door, and lift the lid of my mailbox to find a small gift, with my name on it.  It’s something we had talked about on the weekend, a photo copy of something that I was interested in seeing.  This means he not only took the time to go find a photocopier, but he got up early in order to walk to my house (5 minutes) before work to give it to me. 

I am confused about this because I am a gift-giver.  I *love* giving people small gifts, for no reason at all.  I think that it’s especially grand if it’s a surprise.  I do things like this for my friends, even new friends, to show them I care.  Putting a tiny gift in a mailbox is exactly the kind of thing I would do.  But, I would not do this for someone who I just told that I didn’t want to date them anymore and that I only wanted to be friends.  This, in my opinion, would fall into the “leading someone on” category. 

So, what’s going on here?  Is Mr-Leaving having second thoughts?  Is he reconsidering?  We’ve been texting and emailing almost every day.  Would I do that with a new friend, or not?  Would I leave a new friend (who I have seen naked) a tiny present?  Is he just a really friendly guy?  We told each other that we really liked each other, and wanted to remain in each other’s lives.  That we were important to each other, and that we meant it.  Perhaps he is trying to show me this?  Even though he is leaving, he really does want me to visit, and remain in touch?  He said he has trouble making connections with people, perhaps he’s genuinely trying to hold onto ours? 

I feel I may be over-analyzing…  But wouldn’t you if you were in my shoes (which are black and pink sneakers, by the way)? 

Here is what makes the bad news make the good news seem ever better: Leaving-guy sending me mixed signals has showed me that by clarifying things with staying-guy, I was doing the right thing.  But I clarified things because I knew what I felt in my heart, perhaps leaving-guy does not know?  Either way, at least I know for sure that I have one new friend, to keep!

The current situation: limbo

My current dating situation involves two men;  The-nice-guy-I-*should*-date and The-Guy-I-feel-very-connected-to-but-who-is-moving-away.  Let’s call them staying-in-town-guy and leaving-guy, for short.  Staying-in-town-guy is smart, funny as hell, and pretty crazy about me.  I told him I was seeing someone else and had to be “just friends” with him, and he agreed to that.  I have seen him a few times since, and it was not awkward at all.  But, I have a feeling he is only continuing to spend time with me, in hopes that it will not work out with “the other guy”, and I will see what a great guy he is, and then date him.  I know that’s what I would do.  But the problem is, he emits zero sexuality, and I am completely unattracted.  Awesome human being; zero sexual chemistry.  I’d like to somehow keep him in my friendship circle, but I have a feeling this “let’s hang out as friends” thing will not last long…  But I can hope.

Then there is leaving-guy: Sexy, smart, and last night he sang songs to me until midnight, after cooking me dinner.  Problem?  A week and a half ago he broke it off with me (after we had already spent a night together, of course, which makes it hurt more).  He tells me that he got a job in another city, and is moving away, forever.  It’s about 2.5 hours away (time, not distance, I’m such a city girl).  Last night, as I was leaving, I asked “If you were staying in town, would we still be dating, or would we just ’be friends’?”.  He said “I’m sorry, friends.  It’s just the way I feel right now.”

I am completely crushed.  Little did he know that one of my two best friends moved away last month, and his awesome girlfriend, and that another of my friends just announced that she is leaving too.   The city that leaving-guy is moving to, has claimed one of my previous boyfriends, one cousin, and a few friends already.  My best friend who moved away last month plans to move there in January. 

I feel I have no one left in this city.  It’s really difficult for me to find who I connect with, and every time I do they seem to move away.  Leaving-guy has promised to come visit, and asked me to visit him.  I am unsure how I feel about that.  On one hand, I want to spend every moment with him; we seem to connect on every level.  On the other hand, it makes me feel very, very alone to be in the room with him and not touch him.  To know I feel one way, and he feels the other, feels terrible. 

I find myself trying to justify his actions.  “Maybe he will change his mind?”  “If I moved to that city too, then we could be together?”  “Moving has him really down, if he were back to normal, then this could work, maybe?”  Of course, all of this is silly, romantic-comedy-inspired, flawed logic, that I am telling myself to make myself feel better.

That said: I think my life needs a change.

Who, exactly, is Mr Right?

Let’s get this straight: I want it all. I want a boyfriend that makes me hot; I want to fantasize about him constantly.  I want a guy who’s just as smart as I am, and that’s a tall order. I want a man who’s almost as tall as I am, or taller (I’m 5′ 9″).   I want a guy who is self sufficient and doesn’t expect me to take care of him and all aspects of his life.  I want a partner who is very confident; you have to be to date me.  I want a man who is financially secure enough to pay his own bills, but I don’t care if he’s rich.  I want him to look decent (I don’t need someone gorgeous, but I wouldn’t object either), and I want him to dress himself in some sort of reasonable manner.  I want him to behaive when needed, and be crass the rest of the time.  I want him to make me laugh until my stomach hurts.  I want him to have at least a few similar interests, and enjoy many of the same things that I do.  I want him to be affectionate, kind, somewhat thoughtful, and, of course, a good (and sometimes kinky) lay.   I want him to be able to cook, or, to love my cooking.  I want him to tell me how pretty I am at least once per week.  I want him to be the most fun person I know.

Most importantly:  I want him to fall hopelessly in love with me, and I with him.

Dating: A Full Contact Sport

Hello all,

This is my first post on “Dating: A Full Contact Sport” by yours truly, The Dating Darling. My dear friend, SolarGalaxy6(http://solargalaxy6.wordpress.com/), asked me to start blogging my dating exploits; I thought it was a good idea.  I will write in both blogs, because I haven’t made up my mind as to if I have “enough” for my own blog or not, yet…

Basically, my blogs will be the stories of my search for love. Some of my stories will make you happy, some angry, and some sad. But almost all of them will make you laugh. They will show you why I call dating a ‘full contact sport’. I am a 30 year old female who is looking for “Mr. Right”, whoever that may be. Some of the stories are older, and some will be current. Please feel free to offer advice or (constructive) comment.

The link: http://thedatingdarling.wordpress.com

Sincerely,

The Dating Darling